the Migraine

I got my first migraine in my early twenties … I was at a work function and felt a headache coming on … it quickly escalated and I had to pull over a few times on my drive home - the lights from the oncoming cars were creating an aura, spots and nausea.  The intensity of the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before, it felt like my body was under attack … sound, smell, light, temperature … even now … years later … my senses all feel heightened and like they are attacking their host.  So much fun.  

My doctor prescribed medication and advised me to investigate my triggers and walked me through the usual culprits (e.g., caffeine, dairy, alcohol etc.) and explained they were typically different for different people.  Dairy - at least around that time of the month, wine … both triggers.  That worked … for a while.  Then the triggers change … the pattern of symptoms change and the process starts again.  

I’m at that point now … seemingly new triggers, a new pattern of symptoms have emerged.  The patterns - when I’m not mid-experience - are interesting, understanding that it’s not just the triggers that change but how the migraine itself manifests … fascinating … It's as if the migraine itself adapts and changes as I adapt and change.  Again … that concept completely intrigues me … while I’m not in the middle of said experience.  I used to get them late in the day … that changed to waking up with them but they would dial back by mid afternoon … The pain was intense - always - but I wasn’t always sick … now, well, now I still wake up with them … blinding pain … vomiting … and the pain sticks around until late evening, sometimes later.  

This new cycle throws my system off for about a week … I get dizzy easier, food isn’t appealing … it’s as if my body is healing, from whatever a migraine does to it internally.  I’m not a doctor … or a biologist … but after having a migraine … it feels like my body went through the ringer … having the flu or strep throat is less invasive - just for context.  

Migraines run in my family - not my immediate family, my extended family but each of us presents differently … different triggers, experiences, symptoms, reactions to medication etc.  I don’t take medication … I can go months without an incident and then have three within a two month period.  It really depends on where I am in the cycle of my migraines … Do I understand the triggers, am I managing them etc.  As you may have guessed … I have gone down some interesting internet rabbit holes researching migraines … There is surprisingly little research.  Medication is the standard answer … and if I had them a few times a week … I’d be on that bandwagon … as it is, I have always struggled with medication … it didn’t stay down, or upon waking the intensity would be too much - hence why it wouldn’t stay down.  It really is like my body is actively rejecting or attacking something and doing what it was designed to do to protect itself … from what?  Well … I’m trying to figure out what new wonders my body has decided it doesn’t enjoy and is protecting itself from.  

Random left turn … I was getting coffee one day at the local coffee shop and was in the late stages of a headache - caffeine is not only not a trigger, it helps - a lot … anyway, the barista asked if I was ok and I told her I was fine, just had a headache that was getting too intense and she asked if I was allergic to anything, random … but no … she told me to wait and ran to the back and when she came back asked if she could put some lemon on my wrists and the back of my neck … she said she got bad headaches and she found it helped … it did, the headache dialed right back.  Peppermint oil … as strong as it is … also helps!  No idea where or how I discovered that little tidbit … they work differently … lemon is calming and I think it’s something about the scent while peppermint I can actually feel in the muscles in my neck … almost like the muscle is reacting to it and in a good way.  It doesn’t cure a migraine … neither do … but they seem to help dial back the intensity of the pain … which feels like a win.  

In the spirit of connecting to uncomfortable emotions that life throws our way, I’m trying to do the same with this new pattern that is emerging … everything I do is unbalanced - that sounds like I’m walking myself into a joke … but you know what I’m trying to say - I feel things bigger, all my emotions, I overthink all the things, I process out loud to help get stuff out … it stands to reason my body would react the same way and feel things as intensely.  I got in the habit of looking at what needed to be removed, how to protect myself from myself, I don’t think about it, it’s an automatic response … a narrative I use to keep myself safe - from myself.  What if the narrative is the problem?  What if it’s not what I need less of and what I need more of?  I tried this a few years ago with triggers … added my omega’s … more anti-inflammatory type of foods and that helped … for a while.  Maybe it’s time to revisit that type of thinking … I need to breathe more, continue to let go of things that aren’t mine to hold onto - there is a reel of a little girl who comes up periodically on my for me page and she’s wagging her finger at the phone and says “not my circus - not my monkey” … I need more of her energy smiles

Maybe a migraine - or at least my migraines - are the equivalent of a snake shedding its skin - maybe -not every migraine, but some … even when my patterns haven’t changed, there are the odd episodes that just feel different.  That might seem like an odd thing to say … but if you’ve ever had a migraine, you probably get this sentiment … sometimes I’m hyper aware of my body being “off” … it’s as if I know I’m depleted in something or am elevated in something else … it’s not always, not everyday … but when I’ve just had a migraine, absolutely, I’m acutely aware of everything that is happening … again, it’s as if my body is protecting itself from going through it again.  It’s hard to explain … 

I feel change … its’ hanging in the air … some I’m aware of and some is just outside of my sightline … but I feel it … John Hopkins published a theory that migraine sufferers have excitable brain cells … which are essentially overstimulated … given how I process information, emotion, the heightened sensory reactions to smell, taste, temperature, sound, movement … it rings true for me … by that logic … it’s possible my senses are picking up on things that I’m consciously not aware of - yet - and processing these at the same time … it’s times like this when I wish I liked science more … This feels like an interesting thesis to prove or disprove.  

I’m not a scientist … but I’m motivated to staying open to any theory that might help me say migraines are something I used to suffer from … before I trusted myself more, listened to my instincts, my intuition, trusted what I needed to do, to let go of, to move on from … I will continue to evolve, to shed my skin as it were, but maybe evolution doesn’t have to be as intensely painful.